I am getting close to the arrival of our daughter. This should be a fantastic time but I feel full of nerves and anxiety. I am so excited to see this bundle of joy but so scared that she is going to be taken away. People always say to me that I shouldn't get anxious over things that are out of my control but how can I not??? The control freak wants control and needs to accept that control is an illusion. Things are going well with us. It was a hard road financially and emotionally since Livia passed but things seem to finally be on the up. We are so thankful for that but I can't seem to just let go and let whatever is supposed to happen, happen.
I have been trying to go to my daughter's grave but I can't seem to get my car there. I get on the road, make it about half way and then can't seem to make it the rest. I haven't been there in forever but I feel like that she is not really there. She is here with me and my family.
Liam is thriving and I am wondering how her is going to take to having a baby in the house. He is the baby right now and is a complete mama's boy. I hope he isn't too jealous and doesn't act out too much. It is going to be an experience having a 21 month old and a newborn at the same time. I am not worried about Isabella. She is older now and such a helper that she will be great.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
The Settling Haze
I am now arriving to the point in the year I dread. One month from tomorrow I would be celebrating the birth of my daughter Livia, instead I will be sending love, messages, hopes and balloons to heaven that day. At least I will be off work. The thought is tearing me apart inside. I walk around gasping for air because I am choked up inside. Breathe, breathe, breathe. This battle is a battle of wills. The will to survive and the will to give in and slowly lose myself.
The other day I was ordering a monogrammed bag. I came to a page where you can order note pads with the drawn pictures of children at the bottom with their names. I have seen these before and I like them. I sat down to order a pad and I had to make a decision, do I add Livia to the drawings? Do I add her and bear the questions of where she is??? Do I not put her on there? How can I even think that? Would I be denying her if I didn't? How can this be such a difficult task? In the end I became enraged and threw the magazine across the room. Nothing ordered. Such a simple task that ended in a way I never thought it would. The same problem with the little stickers people put on their cars. Who knew that stickers and a note pad could drive a person into a frenzy of anger and sobbing?
I have started to feel the baby move. What a glorious feeling and a feeling of panic when I don't. I am only 19 weeks so I know that the movements are still not strong enough to feel all the time. I am so scared. I know I have little control (if any) and I should just know that what will be, will be, but that is a hard pill to swallow. I have forced myself NOT to rent a fetal heart monitor because I know that I will have that doplar strapped to my stomach for the next 5 months. I would really love to hear the heartbeat right now though. I just want to listen for more than a few seconds, I want to listen for minutes and close my eyes. What a beautiful sound. It is so crazy that I am so excited but I am scared to buy anything yet. We found out we are having a girl and I LOVE girl shopping, but I am terrified to buy anything for fear I won't get to use it. What should be a glorious time is a terrifying one right now. I think I should go and force myself to buy something. Maybe that would help me relax a little.
I am off to rest and pray for restful sleep. Maybe my angel will wrap her wings around me tonight and calm my soul.
The other day I was ordering a monogrammed bag. I came to a page where you can order note pads with the drawn pictures of children at the bottom with their names. I have seen these before and I like them. I sat down to order a pad and I had to make a decision, do I add Livia to the drawings? Do I add her and bear the questions of where she is??? Do I not put her on there? How can I even think that? Would I be denying her if I didn't? How can this be such a difficult task? In the end I became enraged and threw the magazine across the room. Nothing ordered. Such a simple task that ended in a way I never thought it would. The same problem with the little stickers people put on their cars. Who knew that stickers and a note pad could drive a person into a frenzy of anger and sobbing?
I have started to feel the baby move. What a glorious feeling and a feeling of panic when I don't. I am only 19 weeks so I know that the movements are still not strong enough to feel all the time. I am so scared. I know I have little control (if any) and I should just know that what will be, will be, but that is a hard pill to swallow. I have forced myself NOT to rent a fetal heart monitor because I know that I will have that doplar strapped to my stomach for the next 5 months. I would really love to hear the heartbeat right now though. I just want to listen for more than a few seconds, I want to listen for minutes and close my eyes. What a beautiful sound. It is so crazy that I am so excited but I am scared to buy anything yet. We found out we are having a girl and I LOVE girl shopping, but I am terrified to buy anything for fear I won't get to use it. What should be a glorious time is a terrifying one right now. I think I should go and force myself to buy something. Maybe that would help me relax a little.
I am off to rest and pray for restful sleep. Maybe my angel will wrap her wings around me tonight and calm my soul.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Living it, large or small, I'm doing it
I have returned from the doctor and everything looks great so far for this baby on the way. I found out I am farther along by 1 week than they thought. I am ok with that! I will take it! Still don't know if we have a buddy or a budette but will find out in 6 weeks. I am thinking girl. All I know is that I am exhausted. Working full time, going to graduate school and raising two kids is hard work! My dear husband works nights so I feel like I am a single mom most of the time. How I am getting through each day is a mystery to us all.
Livia's birthday is fast approaching which is making this time fly by but feel like it is standing still all at the same time. More memories, good and bad, are flooding back and constant. Sleepless nights are in full swing and panic attacks are settling in. I just keep saying to myself, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this... I think. I sit and dream about being able to stay at home with my babies soaking in every precious moment of their lives. I don't want to miss a thing! Snuggling my son (when he allows it) is so wonderful and fills me with joy. Many times when I am holding him I am brought back to those few days I had with Livia. It is such an awkward feeling holding something so precious and feeling sad. The mixed emotions are more of a roller coaster than the chaos that is my life right now.
I love my job, it is such a wonderful experience and NEVER boring. I sometimes have a hard time though. Walking the halls each day, seeing my co-workers, I don't see them as they are that day, I see them at the funeral home when Livi died. They are all so wonderful, caring and supportive. BUT, seeing them sometimes brings back painful memories. I just want to run away and hide for a short time. I am still trying to find my footing back in this world, and putting on the brave face and smile is so difficult. The last day of school is often the week or day of Livia's birthday. I never say anything to anyone at work, but that week is the hardest other than her angel date. I am the only teacher I know that HATES the end of school. Kind of ironic! If they said we were going to go to school year round I would throw a party!
I just need a break. A day to myself. A day where I am not worrying about anything. Maybe a spa day?? A day at a hotel by the pool sipping drinks (no alcohol though at least until baby comes)? That would be so lovely. I am feeling very run down and sore.
Well back to the grind. Have a project and discussion due before I crawl into bed and pray for a restful night sleep. Love to all!
Livia's birthday is fast approaching which is making this time fly by but feel like it is standing still all at the same time. More memories, good and bad, are flooding back and constant. Sleepless nights are in full swing and panic attacks are settling in. I just keep saying to myself, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this... I think. I sit and dream about being able to stay at home with my babies soaking in every precious moment of their lives. I don't want to miss a thing! Snuggling my son (when he allows it) is so wonderful and fills me with joy. Many times when I am holding him I am brought back to those few days I had with Livia. It is such an awkward feeling holding something so precious and feeling sad. The mixed emotions are more of a roller coaster than the chaos that is my life right now.
I love my job, it is such a wonderful experience and NEVER boring. I sometimes have a hard time though. Walking the halls each day, seeing my co-workers, I don't see them as they are that day, I see them at the funeral home when Livi died. They are all so wonderful, caring and supportive. BUT, seeing them sometimes brings back painful memories. I just want to run away and hide for a short time. I am still trying to find my footing back in this world, and putting on the brave face and smile is so difficult. The last day of school is often the week or day of Livia's birthday. I never say anything to anyone at work, but that week is the hardest other than her angel date. I am the only teacher I know that HATES the end of school. Kind of ironic! If they said we were going to go to school year round I would throw a party!
I just need a break. A day to myself. A day where I am not worrying about anything. Maybe a spa day?? A day at a hotel by the pool sipping drinks (no alcohol though at least until baby comes)? That would be so lovely. I am feeling very run down and sore.
Well back to the grind. Have a project and discussion due before I crawl into bed and pray for a restful night sleep. Love to all!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Rainy Night
I am enjoying this rainy day and night. On rainy days I love to lounge around and not really do anything. Of course on days like this, my sweet Livia dominates my mind. I spent the day working on my Masters projects and playing with my children. I love that. My son was so snuggly today. He isn't snuggly much anymore now that he is almost 15 months so I will soak that in as much as I can. I held him and thought about my Liv. I see so much of her in both my children. My heart was more joyful today thinking about her. I ached for a while but I mostly thought about the days I was snuggling her and it brought a smile to my face. Anything I think of to do for her in mind is not grand enough. I could fill up an olympic stadium with people to remember her and that still wouldn't be enough. I could build monuments in her honor and dedicate buildings but that still isn't enough. Such a sweet, innocent soul that blessed our lives for such a short time. What a gorgeous angel she must be. I wish she would come and visit me in my dreams. I know she is all around me all the time but I want to see her. I want to see her in a way that is not a vision of that horrible night. One day I will, I know it.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Lighter Feeling
After posting the first message I already feel better. I just needed to get that out. I think I hold too much in. Now I am smiling thinking of my daughter rather than feeling the pain. She is a beautiful angel and I take comfort in that. The selfish part of me still wants her here next to me. I guess I need to talk more. A portion of me thinks that people are tired of hearing about it. Maybe that is just my paranoid side. I don't know. I am still new at this and many things that shape me these days are all trial and error.
It is going to be a gorgeous day out so I need to get out in the sunshine and enjoy the warmth of the day.
It is going to be a gorgeous day out so I need to get out in the sunshine and enjoy the warmth of the day.
Angel Memories
This is my first blog post. From the advice of a dear friend, I am going to try this out. This will probably be all over the place and I apologize for that. Two years and 8 months ago I lost my 32 day old daughter. Her passing was sudden and unexpected. It happened at 4:00am and the memory of it is still as fresh today as it was then. Since her passing I have devoted my life to my family and work. I have a daughter that is 5 and a son that is 14 months. These 2 adorable creatures are my life. I don't know who has experienced the passing of a child but it is a fight every day. Even today I feel detached to the world around me. As time passes, it becomes easier to try to integrate myself back into the world. Some days are better than others and some days I am just weak. Waking up panicking that my children aren't breathing is a nightly ritual. Waking up screaming call 911 is starting to fade but it still invades my nights. Sometimes I just don't have the strength to fight the tears and the ache that consumes me.
When my son came, I was over joyed but I spent the first year with a baby monitor attached to my ear and a panic that was always haunting me. Every little breath was monitored and forcing myself to NOT get out of bed and check on him every 5 minutes was a struggle. I had to try and let go a little. Resolve myself to the fact that some things are just out of my control. At a month old my son got RSV. He was in the ICU for 2 weeks with a breathing tube and respirator. He came through with flying colors but that set the panic in even more. We almost lost him too but thank goodness, he is still here and thriving.
Now I have found out that I am pregnant again. This is fabulous news but the panic is setting in again. It has been almost 3 years since my daughter arrived and then left. Many people around me don't know what a mother goes through when a child is lost. This is a pain that I am going to feel for the rest of my life. There are days that I can actually feel my heart ache and it hurts. The ache goes through my body and I just want to crumble. I have this constant thought that I need to be strong and fight it so hard. I need to just let myself feel and crumble. It seems that people have forgotten. I know they haven't but if you haven't been through this you don't know. I don't want people to forget. The selfish side of me wants her to be remembered. I remember the morning she passed I was staring out of the car window on the way home from the hospital and I was thinking "how can the world go on??? Don't they know that a sweet baby has left this world?".
I just need to know that there are people out there that understand my pain. I am not alone. I am not asking for allowances because of what I have been through, but sometimes I am weak. I miss her. When the pain of missing her hits me, it takes the wind out of me. I can't breath, I can't think, I can't do anything. I can tell spring is coming because she is in my thoughts more and more each day. I hate this time of the year. A time that is supposed to be happy, flowers are blooming, the winter grumps are fading, the days are longer and warmer, and all I want to do is hide.
When my son came, I was over joyed but I spent the first year with a baby monitor attached to my ear and a panic that was always haunting me. Every little breath was monitored and forcing myself to NOT get out of bed and check on him every 5 minutes was a struggle. I had to try and let go a little. Resolve myself to the fact that some things are just out of my control. At a month old my son got RSV. He was in the ICU for 2 weeks with a breathing tube and respirator. He came through with flying colors but that set the panic in even more. We almost lost him too but thank goodness, he is still here and thriving.
Now I have found out that I am pregnant again. This is fabulous news but the panic is setting in again. It has been almost 3 years since my daughter arrived and then left. Many people around me don't know what a mother goes through when a child is lost. This is a pain that I am going to feel for the rest of my life. There are days that I can actually feel my heart ache and it hurts. The ache goes through my body and I just want to crumble. I have this constant thought that I need to be strong and fight it so hard. I need to just let myself feel and crumble. It seems that people have forgotten. I know they haven't but if you haven't been through this you don't know. I don't want people to forget. The selfish side of me wants her to be remembered. I remember the morning she passed I was staring out of the car window on the way home from the hospital and I was thinking "how can the world go on??? Don't they know that a sweet baby has left this world?".
I just need to know that there are people out there that understand my pain. I am not alone. I am not asking for allowances because of what I have been through, but sometimes I am weak. I miss her. When the pain of missing her hits me, it takes the wind out of me. I can't breath, I can't think, I can't do anything. I can tell spring is coming because she is in my thoughts more and more each day. I hate this time of the year. A time that is supposed to be happy, flowers are blooming, the winter grumps are fading, the days are longer and warmer, and all I want to do is hide.
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