I am now arriving to the point in the year I dread. One month from tomorrow I would be celebrating the birth of my daughter Livia, instead I will be sending love, messages, hopes and balloons to heaven that day. At least I will be off work. The thought is tearing me apart inside. I walk around gasping for air because I am choked up inside. Breathe, breathe, breathe. This battle is a battle of wills. The will to survive and the will to give in and slowly lose myself.
The other day I was ordering a monogrammed bag. I came to a page where you can order note pads with the drawn pictures of children at the bottom with their names. I have seen these before and I like them. I sat down to order a pad and I had to make a decision, do I add Livia to the drawings? Do I add her and bear the questions of where she is??? Do I not put her on there? How can I even think that? Would I be denying her if I didn't? How can this be such a difficult task? In the end I became enraged and threw the magazine across the room. Nothing ordered. Such a simple task that ended in a way I never thought it would. The same problem with the little stickers people put on their cars. Who knew that stickers and a note pad could drive a person into a frenzy of anger and sobbing?
I have started to feel the baby move. What a glorious feeling and a feeling of panic when I don't. I am only 19 weeks so I know that the movements are still not strong enough to feel all the time. I am so scared. I know I have little control (if any) and I should just know that what will be, will be, but that is a hard pill to swallow. I have forced myself NOT to rent a fetal heart monitor because I know that I will have that doplar strapped to my stomach for the next 5 months. I would really love to hear the heartbeat right now though. I just want to listen for more than a few seconds, I want to listen for minutes and close my eyes. What a beautiful sound. It is so crazy that I am so excited but I am scared to buy anything yet. We found out we are having a girl and I LOVE girl shopping, but I am terrified to buy anything for fear I won't get to use it. What should be a glorious time is a terrifying one right now. I think I should go and force myself to buy something. Maybe that would help me relax a little.
I am off to rest and pray for restful sleep. Maybe my angel will wrap her wings around me tonight and calm my soul.
