Living it, large or small, I'm doing it

I have returned from the doctor and everything looks great so far for this baby on the way.  I found out I am farther along by 1 week than they thought.  I am ok with that!  I will take it!  Still don't know if we have a buddy or a budette but will find out in 6 weeks.  I am thinking girl.  All I know is that I am exhausted.  Working full time, going to graduate school and raising two kids is hard work!  My dear husband works nights so I feel like I am a single mom most of the time.  How I am getting through each day is a mystery to us all. 

Livia's birthday is fast approaching which is making this time fly by but feel like it is standing still all at the same time.  More memories, good and bad, are flooding back and constant.  Sleepless nights are in full swing and panic attacks are settling in.  I just keep saying to myself, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this...  I think.  I sit and dream about being able to stay at home with my babies soaking in every precious moment of their lives. I don't want to miss a thing!  Snuggling my son (when he allows it) is so wonderful and fills me with joy.  Many times when I am holding him I am brought back to those few days I had with Livia.  It is such an awkward feeling holding something so precious and feeling sad.  The mixed emotions are more of a roller coaster than the chaos that is my life right now.

I love my job, it is such a wonderful experience and NEVER boring.  I sometimes have a hard time though.  Walking the halls each day, seeing my co-workers, I don't see them as they are that day, I see them at the funeral home when Livi died.  They are all so wonderful, caring and supportive.  BUT, seeing them sometimes brings back painful memories.    I just want to run away and hide for a short time.  I am still trying to find my footing back in this world, and putting on the brave face and smile is so difficult. The last day of school is often the week or day of Livia's birthday.  I never say anything to anyone at work, but that week is the hardest other than her angel date.  I am the only teacher I know that HATES the end of school.  Kind of ironic!  If they said we were going to go to school year round I would throw a party! 

I just need a break.  A day to myself.  A day where I am not worrying about anything.  Maybe a spa day??  A day at a hotel by the pool sipping drinks (no alcohol though at least until baby comes)?  That would be so lovely.  I am feeling very run down and sore. 

Well back to the grind. Have a project and discussion due before I crawl into bed and pray for a restful night sleep.  Love to all!

Rainy Night

I am enjoying this rainy day and night.  On rainy days I love to lounge around and not really do anything.  Of course on days like this, my sweet Livia dominates my mind.  I spent the day working on my Masters projects and playing with my children.  I love that.  My son was so snuggly today.  He isn't snuggly much anymore now that he is almost 15 months so I will soak that in as much as I can.  I held him and thought about my Liv.  I see so much of her in both my children.  My heart was more joyful today thinking about her.  I ached for a while but I mostly thought about the days I was snuggling her and it brought a smile to my face.  Anything I think of to do for her in mind is not grand enough.  I could fill up an olympic stadium with people to remember her and that still wouldn't be enough.  I could build monuments in her honor and dedicate buildings but that still isn't enough.  Such a sweet, innocent soul that blessed our lives for such a short time.  What a gorgeous angel she must be.  I wish she would come and visit me in my dreams.  I know she is all around me all the time but I want to see her.  I want to see her in a way that is not a vision of that horrible night.  One day I will, I know it.