I am now arriving to the point in the year I dread. One month from tomorrow I would be celebrating the birth of my daughter Livia, instead I will be sending love, messages, hopes and balloons to heaven that day. At least I will be off work. The thought is tearing me apart inside. I walk around gasping for air because I am choked up inside. Breathe, breathe, breathe. This battle is a battle of wills. The will to survive and the will to give in and slowly lose myself.
The other day I was ordering a monogrammed bag. I came to a page where you can order note pads with the drawn pictures of children at the bottom with their names. I have seen these before and I like them. I sat down to order a pad and I had to make a decision, do I add Livia to the drawings? Do I add her and bear the questions of where she is??? Do I not put her on there? How can I even think that? Would I be denying her if I didn't? How can this be such a difficult task? In the end I became enraged and threw the magazine across the room. Nothing ordered. Such a simple task that ended in a way I never thought it would. The same problem with the little stickers people put on their cars. Who knew that stickers and a note pad could drive a person into a frenzy of anger and sobbing?
I have started to feel the baby move. What a glorious feeling and a feeling of panic when I don't. I am only 19 weeks so I know that the movements are still not strong enough to feel all the time. I am so scared. I know I have little control (if any) and I should just know that what will be, will be, but that is a hard pill to swallow. I have forced myself NOT to rent a fetal heart monitor because I know that I will have that doplar strapped to my stomach for the next 5 months. I would really love to hear the heartbeat right now though. I just want to listen for more than a few seconds, I want to listen for minutes and close my eyes. What a beautiful sound. It is so crazy that I am so excited but I am scared to buy anything yet. We found out we are having a girl and I LOVE girl shopping, but I am terrified to buy anything for fear I won't get to use it. What should be a glorious time is a terrifying one right now. I think I should go and force myself to buy something. Maybe that would help me relax a little.
I am off to rest and pray for restful sleep. Maybe my angel will wrap her wings around me tonight and calm my soul.
I have also had the same thoughts about those car stickers and note pads and I have resolved to not be someone who has the stickers on my car or the notepads. It's sad that I had to come to that resolution. I am so hoping the days in the coming month are gentle on you and the remainder of your pregnancy is full of good news and joy. HUGS to you friend. Thanks for sharing! :) Sharon
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